These girls you guys. They are adorable, how is it possible that I just want to hug them for hours on end but also run away from them at the same time?? MOTHERHOOD. For reals the scariest hood I've ever been in. I think I saw that on a Pinterest board somewhere....okay yeah now I'm remembering, I definitely did.
I've been thinking about the extreme highs and lows we feel as mothers. When it's good you feel like you might explode. You want to bottle up that moment and remember it forever, it's like fireworks might shoot out of your toes, the blood rushes to your cheeks, you feel so proud, you wonder how you ever created something so beautiful. But when it's bad, man, it's bad. You become this person that you don't even recognize, this emotionally bottled up monster deprived of existence to the outside world and begging to both be alone away from the constant tiny groping hands pulling at your pant leg but at the same time you also just want to be noticed by the world. It's a desperation like no other.
The wearing down happens gradually, and the real sucky part is that because it happens gradually you don't really notice that you've been pushed to the edge until you are flying off the cliff at 100 mph wondering how that shrill yell could even come out of your body.
Someone pees on the bathroom rug while you're just trying to get them into the bathtub and then simultaneously another pulls an entire shelf down onto themselves because they just want to do something for themselves and you break. You think, "I'm just trying to help you, I'm just trying to take care of you" and something breaks.
Then you see the sad look in their eyes, the hurt and the second you realize that you were the source of any type of hurt in an instant all of that frustration melts away and you just want to make yourself better, you want to BE better because they deserve the best.
Some days I wonder if I need legit psycological help. Like guys, I'm actually like check me in! It sounds like a much needed vacay! I'm always wondering "man am I the only one with this problem". All of the other moms just seem to have their crap together but dang man some days. Well if you're reading this then you know. Some days you are just not able to be everything that they deserve.
So what can do we learn from all of this? Well, let me tell you all the answers, I've got EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM! GOTCHA! I don't know, maybe Google can help with that, but I sure can't!
I have learned this though.
1) I need to exist in a world outside of my children AND I shouldn't feel guilty about it and here's why. When I feed my passions, my ambition, my drive I am 100% more patient and excited to be a mom. If I ignore that part of me I'm running on fumes. Feed yourself, and you'll be even more able to give of yourself when you need to.
2) I will never be perfect but I can learn my warning signs for when I'm about to lose it. For me it's when I'm focusing really hard on something else other than the girls but the BOTH want my attention right away and make those needs known very loudly over a very long period of time.ha...haha. When isn't that happening?? But seriously, I've realized that's when I feel most frazzled. So I nicely say, I need to be alone and I leave. I just leave. The kids are safe, they can wait for a minute. But taking some time to be alone and recompose and look beyond the current situation a bit/ finish whatever I was trying to focus on if possible can take that out of control feeling away real quick
3) Forgive and have patience with yourself and move on. There is no perfect mom. Children are persistent, they know your buttons, I swear they can smell both my weakness and the current hiding place of any candy in the house! Kids will be kids and so also you will be human. Dust your knees off, listen to a song that brightens you up, if you lose it take some time to recoup, realize they are going to be ok, they know you love them, everyone has their limits and then after you have calmed down a bit spend some time really giving them all of your attention and being engaged in whatever they have to share with you.
Mama, I know it's hard. I hear you girl, keep that chin up. You're enough and you're already exactly every bit as awesome of a mom as you need to be.
Peace. Love. and crumbled crackers and snot on your shirt.
