Jun 5, 2012

The Bachelorette: Week Four Recap

Behold the tail!

1. Doug got the first date with Emily and I checked out after he used oh about three batman references within his first 10 minutes with Emily. You can feed Emily the whole, “With great power comes great responsibility” Junk. But we see right through you. Is anybody else seeing the creepy wife beater with a temper vibe from Doug? Don’t worry Emily, it’s always darkest before the dawn, and Doug he is your midnight. Ooooh look at me using metaphors!

2. Doug and Emily got down to the nitty gritty and started talking flaws. It got deep people, scary deep. Doug confessed that he, “Spends too much time with his son” and “Didn’t wash his girlfriend’s cars enough.” That’s a deal breaker there Doug, we women all need to end up with someone that constantly ignores us and then commands us to go and clean the kitchen. No wonder your single. Emily slipped  a flaw in there too, “Well I don’t work out.” Wow. You two have a lot of baggage, who could accept that?! But Emily don’t think your fooling anyone, that four inch gap between your thighs tells us that you’re not scheduled for another meal for at least a month. Now go look at a picture of a bagel to cure your morning shakes.

3. Doug then confessed that, “Doug hasn’t kissed a girl in a really long time…..Doug hasn’t kissed a girl in…months.” Doug, my man, you will be kissing nothing but your pet cat if you don’t stop talking in the third person.

4. Ryan has lost absolutely ALL of his game and has now started using the sports team one liners that he is probably screaming at little twelve year olds on a daily basis at his “sports facility”. “I’m not here to impress you, I’m here to make an impression upon you.” “If you ain’t cheatin’ you ain’t tryin’.” “We finally started working as a team, not harder but smarter.” Ryan if you hadn’t shaved off your devils beard this episode I would have ACTUALLY declared you the devil. But now your just a tool.

5. John aka “Wolf” no really that’s his name, said and I quote, “I just want to stand out from the pack.” Wolf. Isn’t your whole calling in life to be IN  a pack.  Just sayin’

6. Approximately seventeen people used the, “I really think I’m falling for Emily.” line. Which in real world translation means, “I’ve had one date with Emily and she’s got a hot bod.”

7. The combination of Emily’s giant oversized Veneers and her horse ponytail at the cocktail party had me thinking that she was going to nay and gallop away into the distance at any moment. But alas, she remained human and dressed as an eighty year old cougar, white jumpsuit and all.

8. WHY! OH WHY did not a single person comment on the fact that Jef with one f was dressed as a school boy at the cocktail party. Black blazer, Bermuda shorts and light blue knee length socks. I just am so overflowing with gay jokes that I can’t even go there. I could picture a guy coming up to Emily, “Emily, I’m concerned that one man here in light blue socks to his knees, who shall remained unnamed, is here for the wrong reasons. He’s not here for you Emily, he’s here for the men.” And scene.

9. I fell asleep four times during this episode. No really.


  1. you MUST know that i have been waiting for this... Tuesdays might be my fave on your blog during Bachelorette season. I don't even have to watch it - your summaries are WAY more entertaining :)

  2. I LOVED Emily's pony last night, as well as her white jump suit. The girl's certainly gorgeous. I like Doug. I don't like Ryan though.
    Seattle Beauty Fashion Blog

  3. i dont watch this show but your commentary is hilarious

  4. I LOVE YOUR RECAPS! O my gosh. Best part of my Tuesday. Thank you.


  5. Reading your analyses of the episodes really makes me want to watch them just so I can understand the ridiculousness that you explain here.

  6. hahaha, seriously. doug is so creepy!!! he's pretty much been the source of all the drama in the house! he has got to go! and ryan. no words! i used to like him but now he has shown his true colors! and that whole crap about producers telling him about his own show....i think no girl will want to date him if he is the bachelor. just saying!
    xo TJ

  7. This is so much better than actually watching the show. Thank you!

  8. I love your recaps.I can't stop laughing! I try to watch but I can't make it through a whole episode!

  9. I don't watch the show, and get that it is absolutely ridiculous, but don't you think that attacking Emily's appearance every time is a bit hurtful? I enjoy your recaps, but at times they can come off as a tad cruel.

  10. Hi Emily,
    I understand what you mean but honestly I've never thought of it as criticizing Emily. What I see on tv is to me a very edited and primped and primed and altered tv version of Emily. Honestly, I don't believe that that is how Emily truly is in real life. It's just how the show is presenting her. You're right, I do say some things that might be a little over the top but I think that if you knew me and understood my sarcasm and that I'm pretty much never serious and always joking you might understand the tone of these posts and that's to comment on a terrible show that women all over the world are addicted to. I'm sorry if I've offended you, you do not have to read these posts if that is the case, but thise is just my twist of sense of humor on something I find entertaining.

  11. I think you left out something super important: Nate's disturbing mispronunciation of QUINOA. I was rolling on the floor laughing. Literally.