Jul 3, 2012

The Bachelorette: Hometown Dates Recap

1. That welcome home banner that said “Welcome Home Mom” was probably made by some poor ABC intern that spent his Friday night in a sea of glitter and bedazzles. Just saying. That was not made by a little girl that thinks dragons still live in castles.

2. Sean kisses like a dog, just sticks his toungue out there and hopes it’s well received.

3. Could Chris and Emily’s reunion have been more awkward? Chris just stood there bobbling his little twitch yead and looking you know…like a devil snake and Emily pops up behind him. Surprise devil snake! Surprise! That was dumb.

4. They keep seating families like they are at the last supper. Unfortunately Chris, this will be your last supper with the Maynard.

5. Chris’ dad is polish to the max!  Gold chain, slicked hair, thick accent. Polish to the max people!
6. Chris’ family party was so staged. “Oh don’t mind us, we have polish jig parties every day of the week!”

7. Ugh Chris’ confession of love felt like one of those kiddie haunted houses where they make you stick your hand in a bowl of grapes and tell you it’s eyeballs…it’s just wrong people…it’s just wrong.

8. K so a friend of a friend is friends with Jef (can that be any more vague) and okay I’m just torn because apparently he’s a total stuck up douchey douche in real life. And I just like him on tv. But then he goes and wears pimp daddio necklaces and I’m like….oh yeah I could definitely see him being a total sauce face, but then he goes and writes sweet letters and fondles his grease monkey hair and makes some witty joke and I’m like douche necklace what??? I FORGIVE YOU!!! The end.

9. Jef’s family is just so….dare I say….mormon. Their family is a bountiful number, the girls are ridunkulously gorgeous, and their parents are “committed to charity for two years” why oh why is nobody talking about the fact that Jef one f and his family are Mormon. Hello, people, throw the Mormon card into this party and I bet the show will get a ton more interesting. Just saying.

10. I shall now provide you with Mormon translation for everything Jef’s family  said 1.“I totally believe you can fall in love really fast” Mormon translation: We all date for two months and then get married. 2.“So we’re just wondering if you’re values match up.” Mormon translation: Emily are you open to coming to church and getting baptized??!!

11. Jef has just written the letter that every woman in this entire world wants a boy to write for her, like WOAH, even if you’re a secret jerk, DANG YO, THAT WAS IMPRESSIVE.

12. Can we all agree that Aerie’s family speaking dutch was so stupid and rude. I kind of like Aerie less each date.

13. Aerie’s mom had a serious case of botox lips and leather skin. Emily this is what you have to look forward to in ten years if you keep tanning yourself to a state of oompa loompa orange. Sunscreen saves lives people!

14. That playhouse for the little girls is nicer than my house…no but really, and it’s kind of becoming an issue. Like friggin’ five year olds in Texas have nicer playhouses than my stupid apartment. Yeah, I’m not bitter or anything, whatever.
15. Okay I knew the whole Sean setup was a joke, perfectly bitten into cookie placed on the dresser…a plethora of stuffed animals just hanging out in the room. And who wouldn’t clean their room for Emily Maynard’s teeth ponytail hot bod.

16. Snake eyes went home! Hoooray!!! All is right in the world again. But can I just say that Chris was totally one of those kids that threw a temper tantrum and always got what he wanted. But thank goodness it didn’t work this time“Waaaaaahhhh I want to be the winner.” Yeah well suck it snake eyes, now go buy yourself an upper lip. Sorry that was mean. But I just really wanted to say it, and well I have no self control, so there’s that. Oh and can I get a picture of those snake eyes up in here one more time?!
17. If we’re talking about the perfect match for Emily just based on history, family, culture, you know the important stuff Sean is your man. If we’re talking about the man that knows how to give Emily a proper saliva bath, Aerie’s the guy for her. If we’re talking about who can say the perfect things and crack a dang good joke, Jef one f is your guy. I’m just feeling really confused right now. I need a Jef one f letter to console me!

Guys, it's fantasy suite time next week. It's 'bout to get Maynard hoodrat cray cray up in here!


  1. Okay I am so glad I am not the ONLY one who translated everything in Jef's family to mean "We're Mormon; are you gonnna be?" I know one of their sacred covenants (to reach the highest level of heaven after death) is to be eternally sealed in their wedding with another Mormon...so...I'm curious about this part of the story, too! And I totally think she's going for Arie. His mom was kind of rude, but her entrance was the only part of the show that felt authentic to me. She wasn't putting on a show, ya know? Anyway, sorry for the novel! Awesome recap!

  2. Please learn some grammar (how to spell would be nice, too). Hometown Dates Recap does not need an apostrophe, and if it did, it would be after the s of dates. Reading your posts is painful.

    I also like the little racist card you threw down. Because all Poles clearly slick back their hair and wear chains, and wow! a thick accent from somone not born in this country! Let's rag on him! Glad you know the country and its inhabitants so intimately.

  3. I found it hilarious that Chris kept saying he was more of a man than those four combines...yet he whines like a spoiled little boy! Glad to see him go and fingers crossed for Sean!

  4. Well hello there Jamie, so nice to see yet another kind person in blog lan. Here's the thing, I wrote the first bachelorette recap on a whim, and people liked them. I do not have extra time to do these, I write them in oh....ten minutes max, but I do it because others seem to enjoy it. So yes, grammar sucks on occasion because I just don't have the time to worry about some anonymous rude person named Jamie that might pick apart my grammar and spelling. These posts are for fun, for fun! So lighten up a bit. Also, hello, I'm a mexican mormon, and I poke fun at both all the time. I'm not racist, your frankly just dramatic.

  5. Waoh cool it Jamie!?

    Love your recaps... keep them coming!

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  7. Love your recaps Sarah! And I'm seriously so in love with Jef. I know everybody loves to hate him but I think he is quirky and endearing. Maybe I'm just weird.

    And Jamie, calm the freak down. If it's painful for you to read then don't read!

  8. Sarah, I have been recapping all your bachelorette recaps and I love it. Not to mention all the amazing clothes and makeup abounding on your blog. Glad I found it and glad we can be once a week bachelorette friends!

  9. Another awesome recap that I laaaaaaaughed out loud to! LOVE your recaps!!! I so wish my husband watched it too so that he could enjoy your recaps as much as I do!

    Jamie, breathe, it's ok!

  10. hahaha hilarious. this show is awesome between your posts and my husbands live blogging throughout the show.

  11. Great recap! I also blog about the bachelorette since my wife pretty much makes me watch it due to football taking over in the fall. Anyway, I'm glad you seem to have the same feelings toward some of these guys as I do. It was way past time for Snake Eyes (I call him "Mr. Ostrich") for him to go home and I actually expected a bigger tantrum from him once he got the boot. Anyway, glad my wife introduced me to your blog, can't wait to see what you say next week. Also, feel free to check out our blog, http://pureappiness.blogspot.com/2012/07/bachelorette-all-in-family.html. Take care!

  12. Sarah,

    I love your blog and I LOVE your recaps! Too funny!!!! I don't even watch the Bachelorette and I find these incredibly enjoyable! (Actually I tried watching one but it was too painful). Anyways, I don't read your blog just to pick apart your grammar or the way you use the word "cray cray".I just enjoy that which is Sarah. And for those of you who do (Jamie), guess what? There are thousands of blogs out there, or if you're so hung up on grammar than maybe you should just stick to reading Twilight I hear that is just the holy grail of grammar. Point is, lighten up! This is Sarah's blog not yours! Stop being so negative and maybe go pet a puppy. Just make sure that it's a multi-breed one, you don't want to discriminate against this country's dog inhabitants. And hey it might help with your anger issues.

    I heart you Sarah!


  13. You hit all the perfect points to the T!!! So nice to have someone else who totally sees what I see! This show is so stupid and yet so addicting!

  14. Blogging is writing, plain and simple. And you clearly can't write (your comment shows a lack of understanding of the difference between "your" and "you're"). Being Mexican and Mormon doesn't mean you aren't racist; in fact, it should make you more sensitive to gross generalizations like the ones you made. It is nice that you have a little community here of white knighters who will stand up for your elementary school-level writing and attitude, but you should really think about what you put out there for the world to see.

  15. Jamie, no one is forcing you to read this blog. If you do not like the writing, feel free to not read it. I would actually appreciate it if you didn't, especially if you are going to be so negative.

  16. Wow Jamie! You really need to relax. I for one will definitely stick up for Sarah against some bully like you who takes pride in cutting other people down. Take a good look in the mirror, and honestly ask yourself, "do I like what I see or who I am as a person?" Because I'll tell you what, life will really stink for you if you live in a place where negativity rules your behavior and actions.

    Sarah, your blog is seriously awesome! Don't change a thing and don't let people tell you how you should manage your blog.

  17. Yes! I'm so glad I wasn't the only person who called Jef's family being Mormon. I wish they'd say it on the show too. My real question - Does Emily know too! And yes, agree the Sean is the best choice.

  18. hmm, i'm going to have to disagree with Jamie. I don't think blogging is writing, plain and simple. in fact, i actually looked it up and it doesn't have to include 'writing' at all.

    with the thousands of blogs out there that belong to people who do claim to be writing but they can't write and Jamie chooses to pick on sarah? a fashion blogger? on a post about the bachelorette? seems like a lot of wasted energy to me.

    i think sarah has thought about what she wants to put out there for the world to see and there's a whole bunch of us happy to see it.

  19. Jamie,

    If it bothers you so much that you feel the need to criticize Sarah's writing style and grammar, then go wish that when Sarah has kids she'll raise them to be stupid. It'll save you a lot of time fretting over something that no one else seems to care about. Get off the internet and stop bullying people. It's lame and no one enjoys it.

    Sarah, I know your children will be intelligent.

  20. I think I look forward to reading your recaps more than I do that actual show. You make me snort-laugh.

  21. So, once upon a time, I never watched the Bachelorette, but felt the need to get in on this action so I can understand what you're talking about. I got hooked. Oopsie. I definitely agree about liking Arie less and less each episode. I think he kind of looks at her like she's a piece of meat sometimes. I'm sort of worried that he will devour her soul and poor little Jef with one f will cry large, salty tears over his yellow-papered letter.

    I would like to add that I have sometimes been referred to as a "Grammar Nazi." I prefer the term "Defender of the English Language." No, this post isn't a shining example of grammatical greatness, but it's humorous, entertaining, and just for fun! So, frankly, I don't give a rat's behind about the grammar (this sentence is accompanied by a sassy snap).

  22. so i think it just needs to be said. we need to be watching the bachelorette together. you always make the funniest observations!!!
    xo TJ

  23. You are always RIGHT on.
    ...But I don't care what anyone says, I still lloooovveeee The Bachelor

  24. I loved this post. I am happy I am not the only one who was grossed out by Sean trying to stick his tongue in Emily's mouth. I don't think the jaws of life could have pride her lips open. She looked so stiff.

  25. Thank you for the Mormon translation because I was for real thinking the same thing! Oh goodness. And I head Jef was nice and down to earth but who knows?

  26. I have quite a few friends who know Jef and they all say he is nice and awesome. He is for sure my favorite! His fam is totally mormon and his parents on a mission ha ha. I agree with everything you said! You rock!!!!