Jul 10, 2012

The Bachelorette Recap: Week 9

Emily about to be swallowed whole
1. I don’t know about you guys but I REALLY appreciated the flash back to Arie’s Bell days. I mean for realz, he had fake bosoms and everything. Thank you ABC for doing one thing right this season and reminding us of Aerie’s voluptuous woman bosoms.

2. I decided that Aerie is past his prime and it’s only going downhill from here. Do you guys see it too? Like he was probably that ridiculously hot senior  in high school that every girl day dreamed about getting the chance to talk to, and then a few years later he got a head of grays and became a mediocre race car driver and it was just all downhill from there. Don’t you just know that in your heart of hearts that he will probably be one of those fugly dads? 'Tis true, and also that red rash going on around his well…whole entire face, is just not working for me. Aerie can you just go back to being Bell please, I think you were cuter then, especially your mosoms (man bosoms). Can we all just say that out loud real quick. MOSOMS!!!

3.  Sean has now been the second man this season to wear woman’s clothing. I never saw that coming. I appreciate a v neck on a man just as much as the next girl but Sean my man, you almost had a nipple slip and exposed your mosoms. There I go saying mosoms again!

4. Can someone give poor Sean a visor….or sunglasses….or a friggin’ hat. All of his squinting is giving me a headache.

5.  Emily is INTO Jef. Like I’m pretty sure Emily would search the seven seas for the missing F in Jef’s name if he asked her too. She would not stop smiling at him. Guy’s Jef’s putting up a pretty dang good fight. But his video message to Emily killed me dead with pure Notebook cheese ball junk, the following words were literally spewed from his mouth “When we were on the feris wheel in London I never wanted to come down and when we were on the floor in Prague I never wanted to get up.” Jef, I just stuck my head in the microwave to forget that just came out of your mouth. Can you be real for a second? I still just don’t see those two together, you know unless Emily’s into that whole my husband looks like my son thing.

6. As if there weren’t enough bosoms going on in this episode Emily introduced her lady friends to Ciracao, and those things were so full of silicone that there was at least a six inch cleavage thing happening over there. I mean I was genuinely concerned that the dolphin they were swimming with might get stuck in that crack somehow. Genuinely concerned people!

7. The horse tail came back!!!

8. Chris Harrison was just trying to make that poor girl crawl into the fetal position and weep, “So how are you feeling about getting rid of one person Emily?” “Sad” “What??? Really??” What did you think she was going to say weirdo.

9. Guys Sean’s goodbye was just heartbreaking. He’s such a good guy. But I found something that will make us all feel a little bit better about Emily’s choice. 
Yes that’s right, Sean was a body builder…and also oompa loompa orange! Wait maybe they are perfect for each other!

10. Can I just provide you with one more Mormon translation for Jef?? Oh yes, okay. “There is a time and a place for everything, right now it’s the time to bridle our passions.” In other words “Mormons don’t do the dirty until they’re married….and my parents would freak if I stayed the night.” Watch out Jef, your Mormon is showing.

11. Emily’s face doesn’t even move when she cries. That’s all I have to say about that.

12. The very first helicopter appearance of the season guys!!! And Emily was so not into it, she had that awkward perma-grin on the whole time...to her credit though maybe she really was excited and her botox just wouldn’t let her show it.


  1. no joke, i literally had a massive headache last night while watching the show. it MUST have been all of sean's squinting. and that picture of him....OMG. my life will never be the same again.
    xo TJ

  2. oh, and the search the seven seas for the missing f. DYING right now!

  3. okay seriously. i don't even watch the bachelorette and this recap was hilarious. i loved it. i had basically the worst day ever so thank you for giving me something to laugh it. much appreciated.


  4. Thank you thank you thank you for being the voice of reason! I've been saying all freaking season that Jef's got some Mormon in him for sure even if he's not spot on Mormon (homie has definitely been hitting the champs) But I LOVE HIM... like as much as emily does. Non-mormon girls loving Mormon dudes unite. Yea, I just said that. Please excuse me...

    Emily's big fake boobs totally send a great message to Ricki. Don't you think? ; )

    Loved reading this


  5. Hahaha what a great post. You mentioned everything I was totally thinking Monday night. Love it!

  6. I adore Jef, I think Emily does too. But of course she will end up picking boring, lame Aerie. And Sean will be the next Bachelor, bleh.

    And yeah, we didn't even need the fantasy suites since everyones bosoms were on display the whole night.

  7. Okay, so I'm pretty cynical. I've never been one to be emotionally attached to stories, characters, or people I don't know. There have been numerous occasions where I've been watching some romantic comedy with my friends, they're all sobbing by the end of it and I'm sitting there like, "Uuuhhhh..." That being sad, I was strugglin' to fight back fat, sobbish tears all through Sean's farewell. For reals. It was the weirdest thing of my life. This show has officially messed with my noggin.

  8. Oh heavens to Betsy, that flesh-colored shirt. It amazes me. But his big old smile, even when he was squinting like Popeye, it was just too sweet.

  9. 10. I've probably seen this show once, like 5 years ago, but I enjoy what you say about this Jef. :) He sounds like he could be catholic too. Spot on what I've heard my whole life.