Jul 24, 2012

The Bachelorette Finale Review

1. Threee hours. Three hours of my life. Can we talk about other things that are three hours long. Star Wars, Harry Potter, Lord of The Rings….oh and the gosh dang Bachelorette. These people must think we are the most brain dead viewers in the world if they think we’ll be captivated by every single blurry flash back, live audience interview, and “shocking new secrets”. People, it was three.hours. Some people can birth a child faster than they can watch The Bachelorette.

2. ABC is cruel. Them making Aerie make a “love potion” with an old lady just to fill time was for real cruel. It went something like this, “I made this love potion for you…with an old lady….no normal man would ever do this for a woman….oh have I told you I love you….here let me rub my love potion on your wrists…doesn’t it smell of our everlasting love??”….. “yeah this just isn’t working for me.” You guys, so cruel. He had no idea what was coming, and every 50 shades of Grey reading mother in there was crying baseball sized tears after that break up. I mean, even Emily, the botox queen of the world managed to crease her forehead and raise her eye brows for this one.

3. Emily’s mom is Barry White….if he were a blonde chain smoker. The end.

4. I refuse to be entertained by thirty year old lonely women fan girling over whether they like Jef or Aerie more. Like who thought, man this stuff is real ground breaking, we’ve just got to show this. It was team Edward/Jacob all over again.

5. Here’s the thing, no matter how hard I try to like Jef I just feel like he’s such a schmoozer. He is the guy that will say ALL of the right things and not mean a SINGLE one of them. Think about it, his letter on the hometown date, his last message to Emily the week Sean got cut, his proposal. These words are the things that Twighlight’s are made of, and I just feel like he was spoon feeding her all of this ooey gooey crap the entire time and she bought it. But I mean, to their credit, they do seem genuinely happy. I just would never go for a guy like that.

6. Jef and suits are like Nuttella and my mouth. They should never be without one another. I mean DANG that guy can wear a suit! However I was genuinely concerned that his pants would split when he knelt down on one knee. Unfortunately, all women’s hopes and dreams were dashed when his suit remained intact.

7. Emily’s brother got the short end of the gene stick….or maybe that’s what Emily’s whole family would look like without the multiple surgeries. Oh shoot now I just can’t stop picturing her brothers face on Emily’s body. Wow, that was more entertaining than the entire three hours of the show. Let’s do a Chris Harrison Face and a Sean body next!

8. One more thing. Jef is the man that you want as a friend because he can liven up a party, but not the man you date because he’ll leave you high and dry. Like blue knee high socks high and dry.

9. Aerie’s diary. Don’t even get me started, he’s genuine you guys,  and he would do anything for her. He kept a bachelorette daily journal for goodness sake. My heart just broke for him. And let’s just pour some salt in that wound, Emily didn’t even read it. The poor guy. I actually like him a ton more now that Emily didn’t choose him.

10.Aerie looks at least ten billion times hotter with all of that makeup. Get your girl on Aerie!

11. Jef and Emily’s happy ending music sounded exactly like Shrek music. Don’t deny it, you know it was the Shrek theme song ABC!

12. Holy hair extensions Emily. That horse pony tail just wasn’t enough was it. You just had to go and cut off a thousand Barbie do’s and glue them to your head. Stop the tacky hair-a –thon. For the love of all that is good, you are gorgeous, stop the insanity!

13. Well guys, I can’t say that I’m surprised. To be totally honest I knew how the show would end from week three because one of my friends knows Jef and he spilled the beans to everyone….sooooo…..this season has been a bum load of yawns for me. You want to know the best part of it though? Getting to gossip over it with all of you! So what did you think, were you happy with the ending, or just hoping for a more skanky drama filled version of all of this next season, because what is the Bachelorette all about if it’s not finding your one true love by making out in hot tubs and flying over mountains only to break up one month later because you realized you never knew each other at all, YOU KNOW!!!

14. Oh also. This picture came up when I googled "Bachelorette Finale Pictures" and so well, there's that.


  1. haha, what?! where did that picture come from. hilarious!
    and i am so happy that jef with one f won! i was worried that arie's tongue down her throat would change her mind. and his reaction to the break-up was just way to harsh for only knowing someone for a month.
    and emily's brother. poor guy!
    xo TJ

  2. :) I love your commentary but I have to say I love Jef and Emily! :) I am soooo happy they are together and I do thing as well that they seem genuinely happy! :) I looked for your post every Tuesday! :) Are you doing the bachelor pad?

  3. Haaaaaaa! Funny stuff - I really enjoyed reading your thoughts & opinions. I'm not a consistent watcher of the show but I do like the drama. So unrealistic!

  4. I've only enjoyed watching this season so I could read your recaps and be able to laugh along with you!!! Thanks!! It made it worth sitting through an hour each Monday night!!!

  5. Ummmm 100% agree with your Jef in a suit analogy. HELLO. Also, Ricki coming out at the end and them walking out as a family??? I mean come on! Could we get anymore "we're trying to make this look like a real life fairytale"??? They will make beautiful children though.

    Also, have you watched the video of where that picture came from??? It is HILARIOUS. Here's the link :)

    All this to say, I have thoroughly enjoyed reading your commentary this season. So thank you for keeping me entertained every Tuesday!

  6. Best review of the finale EVER. haha.

  7. Wow, I didnt watch regularly bc it SUCKS ME IN...somehow your post managed to suck me in as well, but I'm so glad you wrote about it rather than me have to wait 3 hours to watch...Your comments crack me up bc once youve seen one season of bachlor/bachlorette youve pretty much seen em all!

  8. This is hilarious. I watched this episode with my grandma because she loves this show and I thought the exact same thing about Emily's brother.

  9. Ha, so hilarious! I thought the same about Jef, so hot & cool, but such a schmoozer! I was still hoping he'd win because I'm from his hometown. I also thought the same about Emily, "Stop with the fake stuff because you are gorgeous and the fake stuff ruins your natural beauty that we all would kill for!"

    Anyway, hilarious. What show will you review next?

  10. "doesn't it smell of our everlasting love?"
    my mom was like, "oh her brother's cute too!" and i was like, "........"
    i'm sure compared to other humans he is, i just can't tell when he's standing next to emily who is a literal beautiful human barbie.
    this is beautiful. i need you to review all the crappy shows i watch.

  11. f;ajklsdf;asdBAHASHFASH What's in my mouffff??!!

  12. this is so spot on. and hilarious. great review!

  13. this is pure quality, my friend. I couldn't have said it better myself.

  14. Genuinely sad that the season is over, because I will not be able to read your reviews anymore. GENUINELY SAD.