Jan 8, 2013

The Bachelor: Let This Mess Begin

-I have found the perfect analogy to exactly what The Bachelor is to the world. Are you ready? The Bachelor is EXACTLY like women waxing their wustaches (woman mustache) it’s awkward, it’s definitely going to hurt a lottle, throughout the ordeal you will probably have to wince and close one eye to keep from crying, by all costs you must keep the world from knowing that you do this at all. But in the end, it’s just a necessity of life, something that just has to happen.

- I CANNOT deal with all of the stupid gimmicks that the girls put Sean through when they first meet. Let’s see, someone showed up in a wedding dress and then after she left said, “Ah man I really hope he got that.”, some girl dressed head to toe in my nieces bedazzle kit did back hand stands to get to Sean and then promptly fell on her head before she even got through the second back hand stand. Don’t believe me?

- Want to know what my meet Sean gimmick would be?? I would dye my skin oompa loompa orange and then tell him someone finally had to trump his fake tan. And then I’d lure him away from all of the other women with a bottle of my super-secret homemade self-tanner. How ya like me now Sean!!!

-Oh and lets not forget the total creepo who literally pulled a tie out of her cleavage and said that she wanted to get all 50 shades of Grey crazy with Sean.

-Okay 50 shades of Grey needs a whole other bullet point by itself, don’t you think. 1. She pulled a tie out of her boobs. 2. She pulled a tie out of her boobs! 2. She proceeded to get completely wasted and dirty dance with the wall. 3. After she had been kicked off, that crazy face just kept dancing. I actually kind of wish they would have kept her around so that she could have kept it interesting for a while.

-How much money do you think they paid Kacey B to come back and stir the pot a little? And while we’re on the subject of Kacey B, she must have eaten a gust of wind before she came to the cocktail party because that girl looks sickly. I’m sorry but that’s just not attractive. Too thin Kaycie B, WAY TOO THIN, I’m talking when you were 15 lbs heavier you looked anorexic! Come over to my house and I’ll teach how to eat Nutella like a champ! I’ll have you in tip top shape in no time!

- Did anyone else know about Nikki Minaj wanting to find love on the Bachelor?! You guys, doppleganger, well doppleganger minus the fact that she doesn’t move her top lip at all when she talks.

- Was it just me, or did ABC smear approximately 20 lbs of foundation all over Sean’s face?

- The amount of extensions that I wanted to simultaneously rip out/give back to all the Barbie dolls in this world/ tie in the longest Repunzel  french braid of my life was REDUNKULOUS!

- I always pictured Sean as one of those dating white supremecists, he just seems like he’d pick the typical blonde hair blue eyed big boob girl, but the man proved me wrong! He sent home most of the Barbie dolls and kept some interracial folks up in that hizzle. I may have clicked my heels and yelled viva la Mexico for that one (you know minus the fact that there weren’t any Hispanic girls in the running this time)!

- The wedding dress girl just had to take it 70 steps too far didn’t she. I mean first she shows up to meet him in a wedding dress, which is plenty of crazy for me. But then she comes back for a first dance drunk as a skunk. Sean looked like his great grandma was asking him for a kiss, he dodged that girl like Indie dodges the po po.But I guess Sean was into it because he kept her, and from what I could see from the previews it looks like she goes pretty far!

What did you guys think of the first episode?! I’m thinking it’s going to be a pretty entertaining season full of a bounty of awkwardness and screaming, no famine for us this year girls!


  1. Bahaha Nikki Minaj doppleganger is my favorite comment so far. SO ACCURATE. I've looked forward to this commentary for so long!

  2. You'll LOVE this blog. This guy writes the best stuff about the Bachelor and the Bachelorette. http://cswindlehurst.blogspot.com/

  3. Okay, I had never seen the bachelor in my life. But I thought this post was hilarious so I started watching the first episode. I hated it so freaking watch haha. But you're so right, I'm probably going to watch the whole season, I'm doomed!

  4. YES! It is so that time again. The time to read your hilarious Bachelor(ette) reviews. Thank goodness! AND I only have 12 credits this semester so I can totally watch it without having to drop of school. Score! Can't wait for the rest of the season. :)


  5. I don't watch the bachelor but I Love reading your posts about it! Entertaining enough for me:)

  6. I had to switch the channel so many times because there were moments so awkward I couldn't even watch. Sean was a trooper though. He was calm and acted like it was all okay. I never liked this show but ended up watching it while flipping through channels. I agree, he had an interesting selection of women and the previews looked intense. I think I'm going to stick around.

  7. Your comments are the best. You are hilarious, lady!

  8. I can't believe you did not mention Arie. What was up with that???

  9. Ha, the girl doing gymnastics cracked me up! My hubby was pretending not to watch and when that happened he burst out laughing, caught him!
    An am I the only one that doesn't find Sean attractive one bit? And his intro of climbing a random small rock shirtless? No spanx!
    The 50 Shades of Grey girl was hilarious. I was sad they let her go too.
    I actually love that they brought Kacie B. back. I LOVED her on Ben's season. She does need to put on some weight. And if she doesn't get picked this season (which she might not because she was only shown once in the preview) I want her to be the Bachelorette. Just sayin'...
    Can't wait to read the rest of your thoughts this season!!
    xo TJ

  10. i thought i could never love you more until after reading this post. you are a hoot girl! i also wish they would have kept ashley p around for a bit. her entertainment is gold.

  11. This show is so embarassing I cannot even watch it!

  12. i can't stop watching this stupid show. i love it. and i love your posts even more afterwards.

  13. yeah they've got to hire some of these chicks with the way they act, right?? i mean the 50 shades chick HAD to have been fake. it was just ridiculous!!!

    but sooooo entertaining...

    And i was totally surprised by SEan's picks. Made me like him and he seems like a really cool guy. I like him a lot more than when he was on Emily's season.

  14. Agreed. I'm sad that my favorite girl is the one with the boyfriend though. Darn it.

  15. Yes! It's back! and by 'it's' I mean your blogger commentary. Hilarious :) I can't wait for a season of reading.

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  17. Ah man, I just love Bachelor season. Watching all those crazies makes me feel remarkably normal. Recaps are the best! I have my own over here: www.kyliesmiles.blogspot.com

  18. Haha...I had to laugh at each one of your comments. You watch it for the right reason thats for sure.
    I agree with winsing every five seconds. I literally have to sit on my feet and then I just either get embarassed for someone or say why or just close my eyes because I can't believe people publicly humiliate themselves like that. but then again...I'm still watching it.
    I text my sister right in the middle and said, "is it a pre-requisite for all the girls to be tan? because every single one of them is caked with makeup and tan!"
    mostly I just laughed.

  19. I don't even watch the show but I love your summary of it. It kind of makes me want to watch. The tie out of the boob thing was the funniest part.